Catalyst
by Trixfan
Summary: The events of Lennard Betts, Never Again and Memento Mori combine to give M&S revelations about themselves and their relationship, leading to a case of plausible denial.
1. Prologue – Plausible deniability

Catalyst is from my own mind but I have to thank something I read on Gritie's Shippers site and the commentary from the episode Memento Mori for ideas. CC, 1013 and Fox own the characters but the rest is all mine.

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><p><strong>Prologue – Plausible deniability.<strong>

Skinner's office, Monday Morning

'There seems to be some discrepancies concerning your expenses for the last couple of field assignments.' Walter Skinner rebuked the agents before him.

Mulder looked at Scully, in wonderment. Scully, after all, had both written up and handed in the reports. If he'd been the one completing the paperwork, Mulder might've been convinced his sloppy accounting caused this problem. Scully, making a mistake on an official report made Skinner's statement impossible.

'If you could both look over these, the areas of concern are highlighted,' handing several stapled papers across the desk, Skinner watched for any silent communication between the two. He wasn't disappointed.

'Sir,' Scully started, her gaze turning towards her partner for just an instant, in which an entire conversation proceeded. Returning her cerulean blue orbs back to her boss, a sigh escaped her cherry red lips. Special Agent Dana Scully decided discretion, in this case, would not be appropriate. She knew Assistant Director Walter Skinner knew. Only her partner remained clueless. The truth had finally been uncovered.

'This better be good, Agent Scully,' Skinner warned. He hadn't missed her small hesitation, or the defensive posture. The answer to all the questions he didn't want to ask lay in Scully's eyes, as always.

'Sir, if I may speak candidly,' Scully attempted to draw Mulder into the conversation, but he refused the invitation. A slightly sardonic smile covered his face as hazel orbs ogled the scene taking place before him. Forced to continue alone, Scully continued, 'these reports only act to confirm what you already either know or suspect.'

'You want to know what or who tipped off the Bureau?' Skinner couldn't hide his malicious smile.

'We have been very discreet,' Scully asserted calmly, more so than she let on. Beneath the surface, anger, hurt and disappointment roiled in the acknowledgment this day would come.

'Several days ago, one of Agent Mulder's sources stumbled into a hospital in Washington State, clutching his card. This woman refused to talk to anyone but Mulder. The Seattle field office contacted me with the case because they believed her injuries to be a direct result of a current investigation and requested the help of the agents assigned to the X-Files. They wanted the information this woman withheld. Friday night, neither you nor Agent Mulder could be reached at home or on your cells,' Skinner paused, his anger obvious.

'I believe we were at Mrs Scully's for dinner,' Mulder chimed in for the first time. Skinner rased an almost none existent eyebrow over the top of his round glasses. Feeling like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar, Fox Mulder felt impelled to add, 'too much alcohol meant both Scully and I stayed the night. I forgot to charge my cell the night before,' Skinner's eyebrow rose further, if at all possible, but Mulder continued, currently placing both feet into his mouth. 'Scully had hers turned off.'

'I see you didn't want to be disturbed,' the sarcasm in the A.D.'s tone dripped over both agents, who took the opportunity to have yet another silent conversation in a single glance.

Taking her disbelieving gaze from her boss to spear her partner, Scully tactfully said, 'I don't understand what this has to do with our expense reports, Sir.'

'I sent a pair of agents to Mulder's apartment,' pausing to let that little kernel sink in, Skinner continued, 'considering the past situations you've fallen into, I felt discretion to be the better part of valour. Imagine my surprise when the occupant told us they'd sub-let nine months earlier. The reason Miss O'Donnell gave us, the original tenant couldn't break his two year rental agreement. Of course you can guess our next port of call, Agent Scully.'

'My home,' she answered quickly, one more glancing at her partner. This one easily read. It told anyone caring to look that they'd been caught. This time Mulder reached out a hand, laying it with long familiarity on Scully's arm in a gesture meant to comfort and calm.

'Given the circumstances, and given Agent Mulder's source in Seattle passed away under suspicious circumstances, and I'd discovered two of my agents missing,' allowing for a dramatic pause before continuing, Skinner continued, 'we had justifiable cause to enter.'

'I see,' Scully pursed lips communicated her sense of both disbelief and invasion of her privacy on what she considered a flimsy excuse at best.

'It's what we found that surprised us,' his chocolate orbs switched from one agent to the other, mentally flaying them. 'I don't believe we found a room in your apartment, Agent Scully, which didn't contain something belonging to Agent Mulder.'

'I don't think you're quite correct, sir,' Mulder chimed in ironically, his hands now neatly folded in his lap, 'Scully wouldn't let me bring anything from my kitchen when I move in.'

Giving him the stare of death, Scully attempted to get the conversation back to the expense reports by holding them aloft. 'I still don't see how this correlates with our domestic situation.'

'You've been married for nine months, and yet you're still charging the Bureau for two hotel rooms on field assignments,' Skinner hissed between clenched teeth. 'It's enough ammunition for some to close the X-files permanently. There are reasons why intimate relationships between colleagues are frowned upon. Between partners it's almost unviable as emotions get involved in the working partnership. Marriage requires both of you to be reassigned immediately. Is that what you want?'

'Up until Friday night,' Mulder reminded his superior, 'we maintained plausible deniability. Our work hasn't suffered. Our investigative resolution rate hasn't decreased, even if few of our cases make it into the legal system.'

'I can't sweep this under the carpet,' annoyed by the turn of events, Skinner continued, 'Apart from the team of four who initially swept Agent Scully's…I mean your apartment, six agents were assigned surveillance duty over the weekend because we couldn't contact you until Sunday evening. You'll be lucky if this isn't all over the building by the time you make it to your basement office.'

'I'm sorry we've put you in this position, Sir,' Scully apologised unable to look the A.D. in the eye. Mulder would never appreciate the consequences of crossing some lines, especially this one. For him, rules were made to be broken. He at least, didn't regret anything about their relationship, except keeping it from all but their closest family. That he'd done for Scully and her need to maintain her sense of professionalism and dignity. After all, they'd both heard the rumours about woman who slept with their partners.

'Too little to late, Agent Scully,' Skinner sighed warily. 'Tell me how it happened, how you managed to keep it secret and I'll see if there's anything we can do to mitigate the fallout.'

'It started with my cancer diagnosis,' Scully's expression turned serious as she remembered that awful time and how it became the catalyst for their current predicament.

'It started with you wanting your own desk,' Mulder quipped, still pissed by the assignment Scully investigated on her own. He loathed the fall out from that case even more when he learnt what his Scully had almost done. For the second time in as many investigations, she finished up in hospital. This time, however, Mulder's emotions, his anger had reached such a level he could no longer contain his frustrations. He crossed the line, personally and professionally with his harsh words towards Scully in their basement office. For him at least, that had been the catalyst.

'You have my complete and undivided attention, Agents,' Skinner attempted to remind the pair of his presence in the room. Looking deeply into each others eye, communicating on a level he envied, Walter realise this highly charged, overtly personal display demonstrate some things between them had never been settled. 'Obviously I don't need all the details, but enough to know how long this has been going on and how it started.'

'That started because of something Betts said to me at the end of our case in Pittsburgh,' Scully retorted with some heat, ignoring the presence of a third person in the room. They both hated their personal life being open to dissection and public interpretation. The fact that she would have to explain herself, lay open her action to anyone but Mulder, incited her anger. Opening up to her husband had proved difficult enough.

'What did he say to you in that ambulance,' Mulder asked, intrigued his wife hadn't told him. 'He knew you had cancer, didn't he. That's why he attacked you.'

'I had my first nose bleed the night we returned,' Scully confirmed.

'Dana,' his tone hurt, 'why didn't you tell me?'

'For the same reason you had my ova examined before telling me,' she issued.

Making a strangled noise, Skinner drew attention to his presence. 'I need to know what the hell is going on here,' he demanded.

Sighing, Dana Scully ignored Mulder's quiet pouting, as began the tale of her romance with Mulder.


	2. Chapter 1  Never Again

2.08 glared in luminous red numerals on the bedside clock. A dream, no a nightmare woke Scully. Truth be told, she couldn't be more pleased. Only moments ago she'd been reliving those events in the ambulance with Lennard Betts.

'I'm sorry,' he'd told her, 'but you have something I need.'

Then he'd come at her with a scalpel. After fighting for her life, once again, Scully ended up in the ER. Unable to be in the same room with the man threatening her world, she'd fled to the car after a cursory exam and dressing to her head wound. Only to have Mulder confirm her worst concerns, Betts mother, in fact all of Betts victims had cancer.

They drove from Pittsburgh to D.C. in silence. Mulder watched her occasionally, his concern obvious. Several times he thought about initiating conversation, before thinking better of it and popping a seed in this mouth. Scully didn't fight when he walked her to the door of her home. Nor did she argue when he carried her bags in. This seemed to worry Mulder more than her silence. His final glance elicited a 'I'm fine, Mulder, go home and get some rest.'

Turning on the lamp beside her bed, Scully found the red spot on her snowy pillow cover. Reaching down a hand, confirmed her greatest fear. A spot of bright crimson blood stained her bedding. Seeking the source, she soon found it. Streaming from her nose, a thick red rivulet of life sustaining liquid escaped. That moment Scully knew. She knew she'd soon be diagnosed with cancer.

Reaching for the phone, she called Mulder's number. Before entering the final digit, her rational mind finally kicked in. What could he do at two in the morning? Nothing would happen between now and seeking medical advice tomorrow. Even then it could be days or weeks before a diagnosis, depending on what tests she'd need to book and which specialists consulted for treatment. Mulder's panic she didn't need, nor his sense of protective responsibility. No tomorrow or better still, when she received a concrete diagnosis would be soon enough to inform Mulder.

The next morning, Thursday, saw Scully completing the paperwork for the Betts case. When Skinner called Mulder into his office just after ten, Scully built up courage, taking the opportunity to contact her doctor. They could see her at three this afternoon. She left a note for her partner not wanting or willing to face him with her fears. Scully inferred the need to catch up with her primary physician in regards to refusing medical treatment last night.

Fingering his name plate on his desk, Scully wondered where she stood in his life, professional and personal. They'd worked together five and a half years, yet only his name plate hung on the door. Scully didn't truly have a work space to call hers. She made do with the small space in the back room. Personally, they'd been through so much, supported each other, spent time outside of work together. They could be called friends but the bond they shared went much deeper than the word implied. In the last few years, with their work becoming darker and being unable to trust anyone, Scully social circle, never large to begin with, had dwindled to Mulder and her mother.

No wanting to think, Scully left. She needed sunshine and open space. She needed to see and feel normal. She needed time to prepare for her appointment and perhaps the most devastating news of her life. She needed to be Dana Scully, discover why she'd allowed herself to be swallowed whole once again, before it all came crashing down on her.

'Scully,' she answered the phone half an hour later, sitting on a bench by the Potomac.

'It's me,' Mulder announced.

_Like it's going to be anyone else_, Scully sarcastically considered_, my mother calls me on my land line and we're not on a case at the moment. I guess this call will change that._

'I just got back to the office and your not here. Skinner is sending me on a week's vacation, starting Monday. I have this lead I want to check out tonight. Where are you?' he fired, the enthusiasm mounting in his voice.

Sighing at the sound of the excited four year old, Scully closed her eyes and allowed the weak sun to warm her face. 'I left you a note on your desk. It's probably under the new file you've just dumped on top of it,' she rebuked.

'You OK Scully,' Mulder finally found the sheet and read the words. Her detachment caused a moment of unease.

'Yes, Mulder, I'm fine. I told you that last night. My doctors office just wanted to update my tetanus shot after nearly being stabbed.'

'OK then, I'll pick you up at eight. We're meeting a possible new source at the Veterans Gardens Memorial,' the excitement spilled over the line making Scully wince.

_He doesn't get it, he just doesn't get it_, she realised but answered with, 'see you at eight, and Mulder, I'll drive myself.'

Just as she thought, the doctor couldn't conclusively say anything without tests. Blood drawn, the office sent the tubes to the lab for testing. X-rays ordered, the nurse arranged appointments for Monday morning at Georgetown Hospital Radiology Department. Scully thank a merciful god at Mulder's enforced vacation. He'd fight it, but in the end bureaucracy would win and he'd be forced to take the leave. She'd on her own for the next week, be able take her tests and receive her results without his knowledge and cope with the fall out before his return. Scully felt this to be both a blessing and catastrophe, torn between her professionalism and personal need. Mulder's return would coincide with Scully restoration to her stoic, proficient self because she knew the results would be conclusive by then.

The interview turned out to be much more difficult than Scully anticipated. Unable to keep her mind on the broken English as the Russian man answered Mulder's increasingly inane questions, her mind wondered to the list of names on the wall. She found the surnames beginning with S, and then those sharing her name.

A car and note attracted her attention. Walking over, Scully picked up and fingered a petrified rose petal. Identifying with the dead object she could only imagine her future. Gently, she placed it in the trench coat pocket. Like so many young men and women, would her life be cut tragically short by circumstance beyond her control?

So wrapt up in the case and being force to take his vacation time, Friday afternoon rolled around before Scully saw Mulder in their basement office. She'd been sitting in his chair, examining the environment in which she worked. Seeing Mulder everywhere, Scully hadn't made a dent on the décor let alone space in over five years. She'd become consumed by Mulder and his work. Somewhere, sometime she'd lost herself. It'd happened before, only Scully though she'd learnt her lesson the last time.

Picking up his name plate from his desk, she fingered the object. _What is it about this man that makes me follow him so blindly, to the exclusion of all else_, she wondered_, true, he's intelligent, driven, almost obsessive, but surely there must be more to it than this. I'm not a believer yet I stay at his side and rationalise his view, allowing Mulder to keep his life work with my logic and playing by the rules. What makes me stay?_

'I made a last ditch effort to get out of it,' Mulder explained, bursting into the office and Scully's reflections.

Scully allowed her eyes to follow him around the room until he finally took a file out of the cabinet and settled it on his desk. 'I don't like it but I gotta do it. I gotta pay the rent. I gotta eat,' he explained, still looking down at the open case file.

_Have to pay the rent, as if, _Scully allowed her eyes to roll. Not that Mulder noticed. He continued his monologue while absorbed in the dossier. _Your father left you his state department pension, his bonds and shares, not one by three house's in Rhoad Island and an investment account. You are his sole heir and you wear designer suits to work with silk shirts and ties. And how do I know this, because you made me the executor of your last will and testament as well as your beneficiary should your mother pre-decease me. Then you call me to help pick out your shirts and ties because your colour blind and you're vain enough to want them to match. Any of the sales assistants at the designer shops you frequent would fall all over themselves to serve you, instead of giving me the evil eye when you introduce me as your partner. They don't realise you mean in a professional capacity._

Continuing to babble about work, Scully looked at him with incredulity in her eyes. Testing him, Scully attempted to turn the conversation personal. Fear of the news she might receive driving her need to connect with Mulder on a private level. Maybe even turn the conversation to a point she felt secure enough to hint at her personal suspicions. Her request met with sarcasm and rebuke for abandoning him the evening before. Then Mulder neatly returned the conversation to its former topic. Finally losing her professionalism by comparing his source to an episode of Rocky and Bullwinkle, this, if Mulder stopped long enough to examine, displayed her level of anxiety.

'Let me remind you that I worked my ass off to get these files reopened,' Mulder's annoyance at her defection reflected in his tone. Striking out he continued with, 'you were just assigned. This work is my life.'

Absolutely stunned by the outburst, Scully fought valiantly to hold back unaccustomed tears. Under enough internal stress, she wondered what more she'd have to do to gain this stubborn man's complete trust. 'And it's become mine,' she retorted softly, realising for the first time that maybe she didn't want this. Maybe the time had come to break out, break free of Mulder, of her rationalism, her professionalism and the confines of her current life.

That got his attention. 'You don't want it to be?'

'This isn't about you or maybe it is indirectly,' considering this, Scully realised it actually had a lot to do with how she felt about Mulder and his quest for the truth. 'I don't know. I feel like I've lost sight of myself, Mulder.'

_What I've lost sight of is life, my life. Is this all I'm going to amount to. Dana Scully, Mrs Spooky Mulder, basement dweller, career washout. Once I had a reputation, career aspirations and men falling over me._

'It's hard to see let alone find in the darkness of covert locations. I mean I wish we could say we're going in circles but we're not. We're going in an endless line. Two steps forward three steps back.'

_After all this time, what do I have to show for five years work? A single colleague who thinks I rationalise all his theories to death. What about me, no husband, no boyfriend, hell not even a date since that Jersey Devil case and then I dumped him for Mulder and uncovering his truth. Indirectly you are to blame for my lack of a life and not just professionally. Oh god, what am I saying. I'm attracted to my partner, impossible and yet the truth, my truth. Why else would I stay and give up all that I could have had._

'While my own life is standing still,' Scully finished.

'Maybe it's good that we get away from each other for a while,' Mulder commented, not really meaning it. Something felt off, but he couldn't put a finger on it. Watching Scully, he felt her thinking, considering, weighing up her thoughts but closing access to him. Somehow Mulder felt he'd missed some vital clue. If he stayed could he get his partner to open up emotionally, on a personal level? _Never_, Mulder scolded, knowing how tightly Scully held to her independence.

'Where will you be?' Scully asked into the deepening silence.

_No, Mulder, no, I don't want you to go. I want you by my side, holding my hand, telling me it's going to be fine, we're going to get thought this, together. I want you to hold me because you want to, because you can without me having to ask. I want you to want to be with me every step of the way if this thing is what I think it is because I'm scared, frightened, terrified and visiting that memorial last nigh only increased my fears. I feel like this rose petal is my future, shrivelled and dried up, dead and preserved._

'Ironically enough it's personal, it's a place I always wanted to go, what I anticipate to be a spiritual journey. I hope to discover something about myself. Maybe you should do the same,' Mulder said, watching her reaction. He didn't like it, not one bit, yet she didn't ask him more. Scully never would because Scully professionalism wouldn't allow it. So he picked up his bag and headed for his car, anticipating a long drive south.

_If only you knew what I hope not to find out about myself in the week you'll be gone. Spiritual journey, what a laugh, this may lead to my last journey. But as always, Mulder, you only see what you want, what interests and intrigues you. Quite obviously I do not. You have no idea how sad that makes me. How impossible to open up and tell you what's going on in my life. Then again, would you even be interested._


	3. Chapter 2 Never Ever Again

'Ed,' Scully cried to get his attention. He'd grabbed her arm in an aggressive manner and tried to kiss her when she attempted to look at his tattoo. Fighting him off, Scully whimpered, 'I'm so sorry, I can't. I thought I could, I thought I could step outside of myself and do this, be impulsive but I can't.'

Looking at her with confusion, noting his rough hold on her wrist, Ed let Dana go. 'Why?' he asked confused.

'You're not him,' Scully realised the moment the words exited. She wanted Mulder's arms around her in comfort after the abnormal blood and radiology results earlier this week.

At the start, this had been about attraction, feeling wanted, denying the inevitable. Mulder's phone call, scoffing at the idea she might be attractive to another man, that she needed his approval catapulted Scully into this date. Later it had morphed into feeling pleasure at connecting with another, someone else whose life might be as screwed up as hers. Scully wanted to do something reckless, breaking her current cycle. In her conversation with Ed, Mulder became set as the latest authoritative and controlling figure in her life. Scully more than liked Mulder she came to realise, she needed him and his approval. Somewhere along the way, Mulder had become her life. Now her time had come around. The tattoo, her impulsive reaction, should have been enough, but she'd decided to try more because Mulder had affected her more deeply than any other father figure from her past.

'I thought I could forget him for a while. Be normal with someone else, but your not him,' Scully turned away. Attempting to feel something for another man, even for just one night wouldn't work. Scully felt she'd betrayed Mulder, their work and her feelings without returning Ed's kiss. _I'm such a mess_, the realisation came belatedly.

'Who?' Ed asked, confused.

'My partner,' Scully sighed, understanding Jerse didn't perceive the way she used the word or what it truly meant to her. 'Your concern for me because of the storm, saying you'll take the couch, I could pretend for a while. He'd do the same. He did the same in the beginning.'

'But I'm not him,' understanding shone in his dark eyes, even if he didn't like it. He'd checked for rings, for an indentation where one might have rested once upon a time before asking her out. Ed Jerse didn't consider a partner, she didn't seem the type.

'No, your not,' Scully hung her head, disappointed with her inability to do this. 'I'm sorry.'

'I am and I'm not,' Ed commented, handing her a new shirt to sleep in. 'You haven't been disloyal to him physically, and you seem to be unable to mentally deceive yourself. You don't really want too. That takes a strong woman. I'll take the couch.'

Nodding, Scully entered the bedroom. Falling on the unmade sheets, she buried her face in the pillow and cried silent tears of frustration and fear. Tomorrow she needed to be back in D.C. for her first appointment with her oncologist. More tests, deeper, intricate scans would be needed before a final diagnosis could be made. Scully and her doctors knew it to be cancer. They'd want to narrow it down to the exact type before the word would fall from the medical fraternity. With her luck, she'd get the results at the same time Mulder returned from his holiday in Memphis.

It didn't quite work out that way. As her next of kin, Mulder had been called when Scully presented to the hospital in Philadelphia. On hearing Ed's story, he opened an X-file, also staring Dana Scully. Her oncologist took advantage of her stay and had several diagnostic scans added to her other investigation. Scully returned to D.C. without Mulder who stayed to continue the case on his own.

Dreading the return to the basement office, Mulder walked in behind her with _THE_ case file in his hand. Being his usual self, he used sarcasm to needle her. Not taking the bait, Scully sat before his desk and stared blankly and, fittingly at the petrified rose petal. Picking it up, Scully felt more alone and isolated than ever before. Determined to be completely professional, self sufficient and untouchable, she ignored much of Mulder's criticism.

'All this because I didn't get you a desk,' he asked into the silence when he realised her attention focused elsewhere. For once their instantaneous communication failed. He couldn't make out her thoughts or even begin to guess at them. The walls she maintained had been fortified beyond their initial meeting. Five and a half years of friendship circled the drain and Mulder didn't know what to do or say to make it stop.

'Not everything is about you Mulder,' Scully perfected emotionless disinterest, 'this is my life.'

'Yes but it's…' faltering, he looked everywhere by at her.

Just where the anger came from, he didn't know. Imagining Scully, his Scully in the arms of another man, set his blood to boil. She'd become his only ally, the only person he trusted enough to discuss his crazy theories even if she did attempt to shoot them down with scientific rhetoric. Somewhere along the path, Scully became a friend. Her abduction terrorising him, once again he thought someone he loved had been taken from him.

_And that, you stupid man, is the reason for your anger. How could she do this to me? I thought we moved from friends to something more, especially after my return from Tunguska. She covered my ass once again, spent time in jail, almost purgering herself, for me. How could I not love her? How could she not know I love her? Oh, boy_, that truth hit him in a blinding flash.

Confused at the self realisation, Mulder lashed out verbally. 'If you just wanted to relieve your sexual frustrations, I could have provided,' Mulder turned on Scully in his very best sarcastic persona.

'If all I wanted was sex, Mulder, I would have slept with Ed Jerse,' Scully could have bitten off her tongue at that confession. His comment had angered her beyond the ability to cope. If only he knew that he'd been the reason she'd been unable to seal the deal.

'If it wasn't about the sex,' he came back, frustration still lacing his tone but fear underlaying it, 'then what was it about?'

'Me, Mulder,' Scully yelled. 'ME. I didn't want to follow the straight path. I didn't want to remain rational or logical. I didn't want to end up like this rose petal, a petrified husk of what I could have been, dead and dying.'

'You're scaring me, Scully,' the statement changed the atmosphere. Alert for the smallest clue in her voice, Mulder watched her partner's mobile expression like a circling hawk, waiting for its vulnerable prey to be in just the right situation before attacking. Moments ago their silent communication failed them, now just a look, a glance at her body language told Mulder everything he needed to know. She would never ask, but Scully needed him, wanted him. She'd become vital to his existence, as he had hers. Mulder could now express his need for her even if Scully hadn't reached the same point. He'd play her game and wait, because the prize would be worth waiting for.

'You think I'm not scared, terrified with this appoint …'

'What appointment? Scully does this have something to do with all those extra tests you had in Philadelphia?' while the voice might have been level, his face displayed the panic Mulder felt. He didn't miss much when investigating.

'Yes,' Scully hissed, knowing she'd never keep the truth from him very long.

'What's going on, Scully?' Mulder asked in a miserable voice. What ever troubled her, she'd already given up. Stoic to a fault, that strength failed her now.

'Mulder?' The word came out as a plea. Scully wanted to share with him, her night with Jerse taught her that but she couldn't, wouldn't ask. He had to offer himself.

'Where are we going and when,' Mulder asked softly, listening to the silent section of her communication. What ever she expected, it terrified her enough to drop her regimented professional exterior and openly display her irrational fear. He'd only see it a handful of times, most notably the Pfaster case.

'I have a final test tomorrow morning at Holy Cross Memorial Hospital, could you come and get me at about ten,' Scully pleaded, lowering her head at the need filling her voice.

Mulder rose from his chair, coming to settle on his hunches before her. Taking her hands in his, he lifted her chin so she'd look at him and asked, 'Why didn't you tell me?'

'I couldn't,' the confession became a sob.

'I'm here for you Scully, in what ever capacity you chose, but please don't lock me out. I care about you too much to watch you self destruct like this,' he pleaded, taking her in his arms. Fitting perfectly beneath his chin, Mulder placed a chastise kiss on her crown and prayed she let him in, let him take this journey with her. After all, Scully had stood by him and his determined pursuit of the truth for years. Now the piper called, Mulder knew his time to follow had come.


	4. Chapter 3 Diagnosis

The night they rapt up the Ed Jerse case, the night proceeding Scully's appointment at Holy Cross turned into the first night they spent together. Mulder drove her home, returning to the Bureau by taxi to collect his car. Scully had a meal prepared on his return. Picking at the simple food covering her plate, Mulder watched with concern. He saw the worry and apprehension in her every movement. They spoke very little but every look, each insignificant touch communicated the depth of their feelings. This thing, from Mulder's side at least, too new to complicate with words. So he chose silence which seemed to console Scully.

For Scully, her need to have Mulder hold and support her became overwhelming. The thought of tomorrow, of what waited in her future haunted her mind, body and soul. Scully moved on autopilot, cleaning up the kitchen with Mulder comfortably at her side, as though they'd done this domesticity together for years. Sitting on her couch, watching some absurd program on TV while in Mulder's arms fulfilled the longing of a week ago. That she didn't need to ask for his the warmth of his embrace, frankly astonished her and lulled her into a sense of security the likes of which she never felt before. Scully needed him and she never wanted to let go.

'Time for bed I think,' Scully yawned, pulling out of the strong, warm arms encasing her.

'I guess that's my que to leave,' Mulder looked disappointed but hadn't expected more.

'Stay,' the simple word escaped before Scully could think better. 'I…I don't want to be alone tonight.'

'I'll take the couch,' Mulder responded, pulling Scully with him into a standing position and kissing her lightly on the forehead before resting his head against hers.

'That's what he said,' she looked anywhere but at her partner.

'Jerse?' Mulder asked softly, wondering why Scully decided to suddenly open up now.

'Yes,' then Scully found the courage to tell Mulder exactly what happen in the last week, standing with his arms loosely holding her, their foreheads touching.

'Scully,' he ached for her, for the secret fear terrorising Scully, for the fact she'd kept it to herself and the fact he'd been closed to her emotional distress.

'He wasn't you, Mulder, he wasn't you,' she cried, 'and you were all I wanted. I thought I could fool myself for a while, but I couldn't even do that.'

'We need to be up early tomorrow to make it to your appointment. I won't leave you, Scully. You don't need to do this alone. What ever happens tomorrow, I'm going to be right by your side,' Mulder whispered, hoping Scully had lowered her barriers enough to let him accompany her.

Taking his hand in hers, Scully led Mulder to her bedroom. In her quiet, assertive manner, she undressed. Shrugging into an oversized t-shirt, she climbed into bed. Embarrassed, Mulder striped to boxers and under shirt before joining her.

'Hold me,' Scully murmured at the same time Mulder reached for her, whispering, 'I'm just going to hold you tonight.' The absurdity broke the mounting tension and they both smiled. Snuggling together, Scully soon slipped into a dreamless if restless sleep.

Mulder wouldn't do anything, this being about more than sexual love. Scully needed comfort and he could provide it. Yet this went beyond platonic love, so far beyond Mulder didn't know how to classify it. He just knew, in this moment, he'd do anything Scully asked of him, be anything she wanted him to be, say whatever she needed to hear and mean it from the bottom of his heart and the depths of his sole. For the first time in his life, his thoughts concentrated on the wants and need of another. His devotion to her undeniable, this tiny, red haired woman became the focus of his life, his only truth, his sole mate.

How he could have thought Melissa his eternal destiny, Mulder didn't know. Or maybe he did. In all his past lives, at least the ones he'd explored, Scully had been his protector, keeping him from harm as his father, his superior, but always male. Homosexual relationships only recently acknowledged widely, no wonder he hadn't made the connection until now. He'd always loved Scully, the bond beyond that of physical. What lay between them, love in its purest form, an attachment so great it transcended the physical world and entered the spiritual. In this life, Scully still protected him but in a feminie form for the first time.

Mulder came to the sudden and blinding recognition that he found and lost Melissa for a reason. She might have filled a gap in his past, but his one true love would always be Scully. This time, in this life, they had the opportunity to finally complete their souls, to add yet another dimension to their relationship which had been developing since the beginning of time. When Scully felt ready, when she felt the need, Mulder would be at her side to take their bond into the physical, allowing them to find completion.

'I'll drive you, Scully,' Mulder stated the next morning. He'd snuck away in the early hours to retrieve his emergency bag from his car. Now showered and dressed, he waited patiently for her.

'You don't need to do this, Mulder,' she returned, the softness and vulnerability of yesterday a forgotten memory.

'It's already done,' Mulder stated. He wouldn't allow Scully to rebuild the walls of independence and self-reliance which had tumbled at his feet the day before. Scully needed him to force her to remain open and Mulder intended to do everything in his power to ensure their fledgling bond grew. 'I called Skinner to say you needed to go to the hospital and we'd come in later,' he shrugged his shoulders easily, holding Scully front door open for her.

Dropping Scully at the entrance to the hospital, Mulder parked the car. By unspoken arrangement, they both knew Scully needed to hear this verdict alone. Respecting her wishes, Mulder took his time. Finding the hospital florist, he purchased a bouquet of flowers before making his way to the oncology department. In true Scully form, she stood in her working attire, her diagnosis and treatment options finally laid exposed. Now he had to stand tall at her side and hear the medical verdict, supporting her choice of treatment.

'I have cancer,' she stated stoically, pointing out the tumour on her x-ray. Turning to Mulder, Scully explained, 'it's a mass on the wall between my sinus and cerebrum. If it pushes into my brain statistically there is about zero chance of survival.'

Scully had heard the words, understood there meaning and comprehended the consequences, intellectually. This academic knowledge hadn't yet translated to feeling. Right now, her heart remained in a state of stunned emotionlessness. Scully's soul cried at the unfairness while she wrapped her very best ridged professionalism around her like at cloak on a cold winter's night to protect her from a freezing environment.

'I don't accept that,' Mulder's tone denied her conclusion. His mind worked furiously to integrate the information Scully had imparted. He'd suspected the worst, how could he not with her behaviour yesterday. Comparing herself to a petrified rose petal gave Mulder some insight into Scully fears for her health. The scans added to his list of clues. Today had brought his worst fears to light. 'There must be some people who have received treatment for this, we…we can...can…' he faltered, not sure what to say or where to turn.

He felt, rather than saw Scully's blue orbs glisten with unshed tears as her heart finally began to process the truth of her condition. She attempted to remain strong but Mulder, through his years of close association, felt her need. Pulling her into his embrace, he rested his chin on the top of her head. At first Scully remained stiff, rejecting his hold. Mulder persisted, forcing his warmth and emotion to flow over her.

'I won't let you go through this alone, Scully,' Mulder finally spoke, 'I care to much about you.'

'I don't want your pity,' she returned, struggling to escape his arms.

'Good,' Mulder told her sternly, tightening his grip, 'because you don't have it. What I'm offering is my strength and support and love.'

Like a balloon filled with air suddenly let go, Scully deflated. The stoic individual of a moment ago dissolved into a puddle of tears. Her arms found their way around Mulder's waist, crushing him with her need to feel wanted and needed and vital.

'I don't know if I can do this alone,' the words were torn from the deepest recesses of her soul once she expunged the worst of her fear. 'I don't want to do this alone,' she confessed.

'While my body holds breath, Scully, I promise you, you'll never be alone,' Mulder pledged.


End file.
